Faith       Family and Friends       Food       Travel        Crafts and DIY       Style and Vintage       Dance and Theatre        Movies and Books

Friday, December 16, 2011

Yep, my deepest blogs are inspired by Facebook....


So I’m checking out Facebook’s new timeline tonight, looking back on the past 3.5 years of my life or so and it’s making me sad. I feel sort of lost right now, bored, boring, out of touch with people, directionless. A lot of memories and things I miss are coming to mind:

As much as I’m glad to not be in high school, I miss it. I had so many good times. I miss planning dances and dressing up, making the playlists, planning, decorating and cooking for parties, and Shakespeare class, Improv and laughing till I couldn’t breathe, not being in AHHA, jumping up and down with Heather backstage at Churchill, learning to drive, dancing, doing “senior” stuff,  the Corn Maize, movies, plays, directing class and inside jokes and quotes, photoshoots, working hard at Karate, not working hard at Karate, walking to Coldstone, Twilight debates, pointless statuses on Facebook, being super hyper, spontaneous social gatherings, coming up with ridiculous graduation pranks late at night under the influence of espresso brownies and going as far as putting them on Facebook, only to wake up the next morning realizing it was a really bad idea, wearing a different outfit every time I went out, memorizing a script, going to super serious movies and probably annoying the whole theatre with how loud we were talking, mocktail party, swing dancing, pie Friday, fighting about powerpoint presentations for graduation, watching High School Musical every day for a month, and having a premiere party for the second one, being sixteen and just making it home before midnight when I first got my license, getting to play a Julia Child-inspired nun in a play.

I miss DTS, I miss the friends, the  runs to Family Mart for melon ice cream bars, the warm Kona ocean, the dance rehearsals, the sweating, the pool, the stinky costumes, talking to people with so many different accents, but not even noticing because I’ve been around them so long. I miss the worship. I miss Korean BBQ. I miss late night One Tree Hill and the Mentalist. I miss listening to Odyssey and long late night talks on the bus with Toria. I miss talking movies with Kerry. I miss Ashley’s small group. I miss broken English. I miss colored money, and having everything translated, I miss my roommates, I miss Jordan, and Terri and Whitney who didn’t go on outreach with us, I miss being Bri’s drug (well, just Advil) dealer, I miss the never ending search for good wi-fi, the birthday dinners, the hugs, the tears, the prayers. I miss showering with 25 girls and bathhouses. I miss being constantly surrounded by people. I miss skyping my family. I miss ripping paper, I miss one-on-ones. I miss the air-conditioned prayer room, the peaceful campus library. I miss those few times Alexa and April made us all get up for family breakfast. I miss kitchen duty and learning Korean words from Dammi, and salad spinning with Annalyse. I miss playing sardines and cards at night in 15 story buildings, living out of a suitcase, shopping, sleeping on the floor. I miss praying, and praying bold things, expecting God to do miracles and seeing them happen. I miss being blown away by the tricks or breakdancers could do. I miss “encouraging” in small group. I miss using my sarong. I miss the day Jordan took too many pain killers and was loopy all day. I miss airplanes and buses, warm sun, even humid Japan. Heck, I miss everything being made out of rice and eating every meal with chopsticks. I miss spending $8 on peanut butter. I miss trying to get my roomies to clean up. I miss being able to wear shorts and sundresses all the time. I miss hula dancing. I miss the sense of community. I miss learning so much about God my head feels like it’s exploding.

 I don’t miss when my back hurt all the time, or when I got lice, or when I burst into tears on the phone with my Mom because I wasn’t sure I should go on outreach, or when I was sick the whole time we were in Japan, when I felt distant from God, from other people, when I was afraid I wasn’t do enough or well enough, when my dancing suffered, when I was told I wasn’t ready for leadership with Heartbridge or getting only 5 hours of sleep at night, feeling like we weren’t doing very effective ministry, feeling frustrated at times with the leaders, not wanting to go to worship times, cafeteria food, weird Asian fish dishes and so much rice, finding out people have a hard time reading me but not really knowing why, being tired of sitting in 3-hour lectures. But even the things I don’t miss, I miss. I wouldn’t trade the experience. It wasn’t all I hoped for. It was less than I wanted but so much more and so different at the same time.


I learned a lot about friendship and relationships. I learned a lot about God. I learned things I don’t want to do in life and ways I wouldn’t run things if I were in charge. I learned to love Asia, especially Korea, countries I had no particular interest in before. I learned that no matter what your culture and country, people are all pretty much the same when you get down to it. I learned to love people instead of judge them and accept the wonderful creations they are. (Jordan, if you ever read this, you taught me that. Love you girl!) I learned how to someone survive on Korean coffee and 3 hours of sleep. I learned that my posture gets horrible when I’m tired and that Korean food will make you gain weight. I learned that people like reading my blog, even if I don’t like putting in the effort to make it “decent” and proper writing. I learned how to be totally honest and open with people and that it usually turns out easier when you just spill it all out. I learned that sometimes God loves to answer even little prayers about fried chicken for dinner. I learned that I am still a night-owl at heart. I learned how to pack a suitcase under 50lbs (or 23 kilos, I learned the metric system too!) in less than an hour.  I learned that my relationship with God is totally unique and I can’t expect it to be the same as other people’s are. I learned that God has big and cool plans for my life and I shouldn’t limit that. But since I’ve been home, I’ve learned that getting there is not that simple and I feel like I have too many options and no money to do them with. I’ve learned that it’s not easy to jump back in. That life at home didn’t change much. That everyone’s busy and I have no social life. That I hate looking for a job. That my family is awesome and it’s a good thing I have them to hang out with because life’s a little lonely lately. That I miss the genuine deep relationships I had on DTS and I want more. Just a few really, really close friends. I’ve learned that it’s hard to stay in touch with people once you don’t see them every waking minute of every day. I’ve learned that maybe my dance schedule isn’t compatible with having a social life and sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier to just go to college, even if I don’t really want to, just do what everyone my age is doing and make friends that way. But I’m not everyone my age and I don’t really need or want to go to college. I'm kind of ready to just have everyone be married and having kids and over college so for once in my life I'm on the same page with them. Now that Narnia is over, it means I have to start figuring out my life a little. I have to start looking for a job more seriously in January.
So that’s what keeps me up at night I guess…..I don’t know who actually reads this outside of my family, but if you are, reading this that is, and you’re not my family and you get what I’m saying, and you want to give me a plan for my life, or at least hang out and have a meaningful relationship, you should send me an email, or a tweet, or a Facebook message, or a text, or whatever you feel like.

P.S. Mini Survey:
Who thinks it would be easier to make friends/keep in touch, etc if I texted more? Like had unlimited and actually gave more than 10 people my number? Does it help you make meaningful relationships or is it just social chatter? Do you think more fun get-togethers happen because you text? Who actually still checks and uses Facebook to communicate? Or anything on the internet? Do you call people, text, or talk in person?
I just feel like I’m kind of not normal to have never really gotten into texting and I wonder if it’s hurt my relationship life?
P.P.S Another mini-survey, please be honest, I want to improve myself more than I care about getting my feelings hurt!
Is there anything you would change about me? Like something that annoys you, you think holds me back from being a good friend? Do you find me hard to read? Do you think I talk too much(or too loudly)? I’m too self-absorbed? Something else? What do you think makes a really good friend? Have you bonded with people over “drama”? Because I’m really not into drama and it seems like sometimes that’s how people connect.

I feel like I just spilled a lot out on this blog. I’m trying to be honest and open. And don’t get me wrong, my life has been nice lately. I’ve been doing a lot of crafts and dancing, I had my dream roles in Narnia this year, I’ve been not working, hanging out with my family and a few friends, eating good food, recovering from my adventure, and gearing up for a really fun Christmas season celebrating Jesus. I'm looking forward to the first meeting of a new modern dance company for some of us graduated dancers at my studio. I’m just starting to get restless…..

10 comments:

  1. This sounds incredibly familiar. A lot of the things you said about missing high school I have totally been through. Its really hard to jump from high school to adult life!!!! The good news it that it must be possible, I'm doing better now after some massive life restructuring. I found that trying to decide what I wanted to do was the hardest thing to sort out and I'm still not there. I DID know 2 or 3 things that I really wanted to do short term. So I have been doing them and it really helps. Also I prayed A LOT. :) Anyway I hope that all helped somewhat. So since you're all done with Narnia you wanna hang out sometime? I don't know, maybe go see that new Sherlick Holmes movie? :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes! I love that you totally understand. We should just hang out more. I was actually thinking about asking if you wanted to go see Sherlock Holmes. I was thinking maybe Monday since the mall and theatre are likely to be less busy and it's a little cheaper. Maybe we should go out for coffee again or make some food too.

    ReplyDelete
  3. A movie and coffee sounds great! It really is comforting to hear that others are having the same sort of issues that I am. A little less alone. :) And monday sounds great. Should we see the first showing So it's the cheapest possible? Oh and VRC or Gateway?

    ReplyDelete
  4. How about Gateway, it's a little cheaper. Looks like the 1st is 10:30. Is there a good coffee shop around there?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hmm, 5 minutes away there is a cute little bistro/ coffee house. It should be perfect! And the time works great!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. You are a sweetie, Jessamyn. How well I remember the period of life in which you currently live and move and have your being. Cassie, Caroline, and I talk about it all the time, about the changes they are experiencing, their feelings, MY feelings about THEIR feelings. You oughtta come over and join us sometime. One thing I remember is that light-bulb moment when I decided that nothing was going to magically happen that would answer my questions, give me friends, take me to the glorious future I hoped for. Nope. It was up to me to make it happen. Lots of praying - didn't want to make mistakes. Then, I envisioned the type of old lady I wanted to be, what I'd want to look back upon from that vantage point, then, I put my foot to that path. Travel, friends, knowing God, serving others, making a home (whether just for me or for a someday family, maturing, being a source of aid and goodness in the world, etc.) Once I began to figure out where I wanted to go - sort of, as that picture grows and matures with the years, too - then it became more apparent how to get there. Enough light for the next step, that's all I needed. And God gave it, by working in my heart and mind. Letting go of high school and all those good memories just leaves your hands and arms free for all sorts of new social interactions. But it's up to us to make them happen. People generally are up for good talk sessions, for fun, or both, they just don't arrange them. I learned to be an arranger. And guess what? It's the same for me even at my ripe old age. People STILL don't want to make it happen - sooooo, I make it happen. And my kids make it happen. And you can make it happen. I guess that's why the Klusman Home is always hopping! ;) It's a strange too-busy world we live in. People don't make time for important things. It's sad, really, to pause and watch all the people coming and going, heads down, following the tantalizing guidance of a materialistic, insecure world. It's GOOD you aren't getting in line with that. Sometimes it's lonely. You can find those few who agree with you and you and they can comfort, encourage, and inspire one another. And you will find more people like that, too. I remember the point in my life when I thought I'd never get married, I was just so tired of wondering if any guy I met was 'the one', I remember praying, "Lord, You are the most important thing to me. I trust you. If it's your desire for me to be alone, then I will stop fighting that. I will accept it and realize that you are doing what is best for me." Once I let go of expectations my life just opened up, probably because I relaxed. Expectations lead to disappointment most of the time for they are not real, or reality based.

    Hang in there kid! And come see us!

    (Glad to see you and Cassie are being proactive! Yes!!)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks, my mom's been telling me the same kinds of things. It's so great to be encouraged by you guys who have already been through it. I have a lot of great people to look up to. And I really appreciate your family and the time I've spent you with guys. I feel like we're all on the same page!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Also, funny you would mention deciding who you wanted to be as an old lady....Mom, Peace and I were just having that same conversation.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I finally had a few minutes to read this. :> I remember feeling like this at times too. I think it's great that you are thinking about what you want in life. So many people just do what's expected... go to college, get a degree, spend the next 30 years paying it off and hating their job, get married, have a 30 year mortgage, and spend all those years dreaming about what they'll do when they retire. I say figure out what you really want, what you love, what God has put in your heart, and GO FOR IT! It probably won't work out the way you think it will,and it will take a lot of hard work, and you might change directions several times, but if you never try, it will never happen! I love you and admire that you are pursuing the things that are important to you, and especially that you love God and your family so much. You are blessed. Love you!

    ReplyDelete